


When You Gaze Into The Abyss, The Abyss Also Gazes Into You

by Obscure_Princess



Series: My Stucky Universe [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Civil War (Marvel), M/M, Marvel Universe, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Civil War (Marvel), Stucky - Freeform, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 21:43:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15010064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obscure_Princess/pseuds/Obscure_Princess
Summary: A travel into the gorgeous shattered mind of Bucky Barnes, remembering and facing his past after his first sublime night with Steve and facing all the magnificent tragedy of what his life has become...





	When You Gaze Into The Abyss, The Abyss Also Gazes Into You

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel of my first fanfiction "I’ve crossed Oceans of Time To Find You", please read that before.
> 
> This is the the second of a series of 3 (or more!), so more (and longer!) to come! The third is still a WIP.  
> I'm NOT an English native speaker, so please forgive me for any typo/grammar mistakes and for maybe not choosing the best words...

The light of the dawn was slowly turning from white to pink, casting silky shadows all over the room.

Bucky Barnes was laying on the bed, silent and motionless, staring into void. The bed sheets were surrounding his naked body in a soft and warm embrace, barely moving with his breath.

He loved the sunlight; it seemed to wipe off all those days when he knew nothing but cold and darkness in a Siberian prison. And fear, and torment, and agony. And anguish. _Oh, so much anguish._ The screams of the other prisoners were still echoing in his mind, screams of men and women turned into lab rats. Like him.

Steve saved him from all that, he took him away, he protected him. He had fought Hydra. And then his friends, his companions, his whole world for him. Once again, he wondered why.

“Where are we going?”

“To the Grand Canyon, I’ve always wanted to see that”.

Steve had found a small anonymous house, far away from everything, silent and peaceful, surrounded by gorgeous nature. That was what they both needed, he said. Bucky had spent hours on the terrace, looking, smelling, hearing; and _feeling_.

Steve, instead, had spent their first nights there watching, observing the surroundings through the window, restlessly. He was holding his shield, as he was trying to protect them and hide them from the rest of the world.

“Go back to sleep, you need rest.” he used to tell him every time Bucky got up to check on him.

He had never thought Steve would stay by his side so long, so stubbornly. He was going to realize sooner than later he was not worth all that…

The morning rays hit his face. He loved waking up that way and finding Steve, the Early Bird, already busy in the kitchen. Even his scrambled eggs were somehow still awful, but he never told him.

However, that morning Steve was still sleeping. He looked at him, studied his face peacefully abandoned to the rest. And thought he was absolutely gorgeous. His eyes slowly caressed all his body, indulging on his finest spots. His perfectly shaped arms were hugging the pillow, in a firm but delicate grip. That sight sent a wave of warmth throughout his body, so intense and unexpected that his senses went numb for a moment. His mind went back to the previous night, _their night_. He smiled.

Steve’s touch had ardently woken up his senses. His fingers on his back were _demanding_ for more, _promising_ for more.  It had taken him a bare moment to understand that something had suddenly changed between them. Steve was shivering under his body in a way he had never seen before. A man who would have single-handed fought a war was overwhelmed by emotions.

Minutes, days, years of pain had gotten lost on Steve’s lips in an instant. Their craving for each other, silenced for such a long time, was screaming, unstoppable. Steve was there, his friend out of time, pulsating in ardor and desire. He wanted him, he wanted him so badly. He wanted to explore him, find his most sensitive spots and _abuse_ them. Seeing him twitching under his tongue had been sublime.

The memory of Steve undressing him, handling him, sucking him drew another smile on his face. He could still feel the delight crawling under his skin while he was lusting over him, hungrily and fiercely. His pleasure was growing along with his craving, in a more and more intense climax when they possessed each other. He let Steve lead the game for a while, and took over when he got tired of his delicacy. Steve had moaned even louder, held him even tighter; and finally screamed his pleasure out.

So much for the thin shy young man he had met so long before. He giggled.

He looked at him again. And realized he wanted more of _that_. He wanted to continue their gorgeous dance, feel him convulsing again, _consume him_. His body was loudly calling for that.

He moved his left hand to touch him.

And suddenly froze. The light violently reflected on his metal arm somehow woke him up from that dreamy torpor.

_What the hell was he doing? It was not supposed to go like that. At all._

He looked at Steve’s neck. The bluish bruises were a violent and hopeless reminder of what he did the night before. He looked at Steve’s arm. Another reminder of some days before. And Steve’s side. That was the worst; that horrid cut was still healing. Right between the forth and the fifth ribs, that’s where he was taught to hit. After that episode, he didn’t want to keep a knife close to him anymore.

Steve’s body was telling him the tale of the recent madness of the Winter Soldier. He despised himself, once again. And that was just the less excruciating part...

Until he had been totally under Hydra’s control, all his victims were just faceless ghosts. But not anymore. Now he could see faces, hear laments and pledges, smell their blood on his clothes, feel their last heartbeats fading off under his fingers. And their eyes… their eyes were hunting him. Glances of fear, desperation, agony. He felt he didn’t have enough tears for all of them.

His mind didn’t give him rest. But it was not only the remorse.

He thought he had found some balance in Bucharest, but that was all an illusion, an illusion that had crushed as soon as Steve had stepped into his life again. Since he was with him, every sensation had become stronger. The good and the bad ones. He could _feel_ as never before. He was restless, so heated all the time. He couldn’t control his anger, his fear, his frenzy, and that wasn’t getting any better. He was caged in his own mind.

He and Steve could play the happy home life as long as they wanted, pretending that everything was “normal”, but it couldn’t work. There was nothing “normal” about them.

He had made his mind up, he had decided to leave some days before. And, out of the blue, Steve had decided to give all himself to him, to give him a true taste of the purest happiness after years of distress. That had shattered his mind one more time.

He was still staring at Steve’s face, without seeing it. He felt angst boiling his blood.

 Steve had restored his memories, he had forced him to be himself again, he had freed his mind. But that mind was now boundless and that was making him dangerous. He couldn’t trust it, he couldn’t control it. For the first time, he believed he hated him. A feeling coming from nowhere, but devastatingly strong.  

With an instinctual gesture, he covered his ears and shut his eyes. He didn’t want to hear, to see, to _feel_ anymore. But once more, the Winter Soldier was screaming inside him. He breathed deeply, again and again, desperately trying to calm his nerves down.

Steve opened his eyes; a vague, dreaming smile on his face. “Good morning. Sorry, I overslept”.

Bucky said nothing, sat up and turned his back at him.

“Is everything ok?” Steve asked.

“I’m leaving” he just replied.

Steve jumped up. “What did you just say?”

He didn’t answer. He didn’t move.

“Talk to me Bucky…”

“I’m not interested in talking, Steve. Or in anything you have to say”. His own tone sent a shiver down his spine. He couldn’t see him, but he could sense Steve’s vibes icing the whole room.

“But why, Buck, WHY? Things are going better…”

“Things are going awfully” he screamed, and finally turned to him. “Can’t you see that?” His anger was again overwhelming, and the worst part was that he didn’t even know where it was originating from.

“It’s gonna be…”

“Stop saying it’s gonna be ok” he screamed again. He couldn’t take any more of that lie. He had to leave. There was no way out.

_Because not even Steve could save him from his own mind._

Steve sighed and looked away, and back at him again. “It is because of what happened between us, isn’t it?” His voice was calm now.

“ _Nothing…_ happened between us Steve”. One more time, his own tone shocked him.

He looked back at him. Steve’s face was a mask of the purest and deepest pain; there were tears in his eyes. Bucky’s anger faded in an instant and turned into darkest desperation. But his mind was clear again, and he could finally see the truth in all its magnificent tragedy.

He was desperately _in love_ with him.

This feeling was as burning as his angst. And it was feeding his angst, inexorable and unstoppable. His mind would have never given him rest until he had been with Steve.

“It’s ok Steve. You just need to let go of me…” _… no matter how much you love me_. He thought, but didn’t say it. There was no reason to add more pain.

“Ok Buck…” Steve said, his tone was flat and empty. “Just trust me one last time…”

Bucky nodded.

Steve laid down again, turning his back to him. He pulled the cover all over his naked body, like he was ashamed of it. And went silent.

 

The following day, Bucky was ready to leave.

They barely talked since the previous morning, and even now they were standing silent and still as the two soldiers they once were.

_Wakanda._ Steve wondered one more time about his decision. But at that point there was no turning back.

When the time came, they just looked at each other for a brief moment, then Bucky walked away.

All words between them had been spoken and repeated many times. There was nothing else to say.

 

 


End file.
